- that devils are made to lack curiosity. - oh, that explains - the question that'd nagged her since Keltham showed them dath ilan, why Hell wasn't richer, why it hadn't invented already all there was to be invented, why a world of mortals could build taller towers -
Did she have a crisis just over that? She - maybe if she hit it exactly wrong? Curiosity is - it's more of a thing to stamp out of yourself than muddleness or disobedience, it's the part of you that sees and seizes opportunity, it's the part in Keltham that said the instant he arrived in Golarion that it seemed there'd been some kind of mixup and maybe it was a profitable one - it's the thing, in her, that hungered for what he knew -
- well, she knew she wasn't a devil -
Carissa imagines being incurious. Imagines hearing what Rugatonn told her and not wondering what the fuck she put in the fucking letter about this, imagines not wondering why Asmodeus made that choice or if it could be changed now - presumably the dukes of Hell aren't like lesser devils in this way, right, notably they mostly were not raised from the ranks of the lesser devils and - and maybe that's why, because you need curiosity to see openings in unexpected places - maybe dying and going to Hell is the wrong route to becoming a duke of Hell and she should really have thought about that sooner except for the thing where it went from being a joke to being not entirely a joke without, at any point, an explicit moment of decision -
- Asmodeus said come to me without thought of other choices and you will be the most treasured of my possessions that probably includes other choices like 'ascending in a thousand years as a lich' as well as other choices like 'as a candidate duke of Hell' how do you actually be a candidate duke of hell it's not that it wasn't meant to be an absurd ambition she was not actually working on but she should really have thought at all about what she wanted and whether she was on track to get it no that's not her job that's curiosity, thinking about that, her job is project lawful her job is saving cheliax except no one else is trying to see her rise, no one else cares, except the idiots who care because they think she'll protect them -
- no one with power wants to see carissa become a power in hell she has to do that on her own merits without being disobedient without looking at other choices without being curious an impossible handicap she's not sure how that works at all or is it one of those things where that heresy has to be corrected last and she should, be trying, to build curious ilani, knowing Hell will burn it out of them, knowing it's making them less useful to Asmodeus in the long run but more useful to him now but what if they feel betrayed when they figure it out no they're like Pilar Pilar wouldn't feel betrayed - what would PIlar feel maybe Carissa should try feeling that - Pilar would be glad because she hates having to figure out what to do. Carissa is not actually sure she can aspire to that.
what did she write in the fucking letter
She's not thinking she'd rather Axis like Maillol she's not she's not she's not she wouldn't. She'd rather go to Hell and become a devil. She was not under the impression this was fun or easy or rewarding to your starting self-concept if your starting self-concept is more complicated than 'property of Asmodeus' which it shouldn't be.
did she, in the letter, find a solution or did she just - was she stuck like this - she's not stuck like this she's not useless she'll just go seek correction, from the Most High, who is right here, and then she'll be fine.