There's a sense of revulsion in herself, then, for being like this, for being such a bad slave of Asmodeus. And a realization that she's maybe never done anything really and properly Evil in her entire life for all the Church's teachings, for stupid reasons like that. And a flare of anger that Pilar rarely lets herself feel, apparently because she was under the impression that slaves shouldn't get angry. She wants to do something Evil, now, to repent of her heresy, and she can see a mean impulse in herself, a wish for others to suffer as she suffers, that she would have suppressed before more quickly than she could think about it.
"I should go away and think, but - Keltham wasn't lying when he said that there are, pieces of this art, of what did this to me, that anybody is going to have to master if they're going to master Law at all. Everything he told me, he said, was ordinary ilani stuff, because he doesn't know any real Keeper secrets. But we shouldn't expose the valuable people, like you, right away."
"Should we maybe tell some of the lower tier-2s who are struggling to distinguish themselves that they're volunteering to learn some of the more dangerous things from Keltham, slower than I did but faster than the others, in hopes of becoming more valuable? And because they know that if they can't make it as ilani, they may as well fail out of the Project early instead of costing him time."