There's some insight here to incorporate into the broader picture, about how being in all-consuming pain is much much worse than other things such as not knowing how to do your job, but she can't flesh it out right now properly, because of the all-consuming pain. The mostly-consuming pain. The quite a lot of pain which is nonetheless still leaving a shred of the internal monologue she'd been kind of hoping to shut up.
Carissa's working theory, she thinks rather distantly at Subirachs, is that Carissae are not meant to decide their punishments, because their standards for themselves are too high; this seems like possibly another shard of ilani Asmodeanism, not that she can flesh it out properly either. A punishment from someone else she can endure more or less gracefully, but a punishment for herself can only ever be inadequate, unless it has destroyed that within her which finds everything inadequate, which they do not want.