(Stand down, part of his brain that's now obsessively worrying about whether she was damaged at the Worldwound in some way that makes this the exact wrong thing to do to her, and then not telling him about it because Permanent Cheerfulness.)

Keltham can tell that he's forcing himself to some degree, acting a role like in a LARP and not just acting on his own impulses.  On standard wisdom, he should not do too much of that, especially on his first time doing the thing; doing it without enjoying it will not train his brain well.

You can try a little to enjoy something, though, if you don't try too hard.  Why did he want to hurt Carissa, again?

His thoughts go back to when Carissa propositioned him at lunch today.  He wanted her then - because she was a pretty older woman, who seemed probably more experienced, throwing herself at him in a way that Keltham had never quite experienced before; she seemed like a challenge, and he wanted to rise to her.  From that comes sexual attraction in the way of a challenger, not just wanting to have sex with her, but to - win at sex against her.

And even before he'd quite understood her as somebody who'd spent six years on Worldwound emergency response, watching friends get their mortal bodies eaten by demons, and remaining amazingly sane-looking from outside, apparently because that's just the standard here - even before that, he'd noticed that she was successfully navigating the planet of Golarion where nothing made any sense.

From that, comes respect.  From that respect and sexual attraction, the desire to have her.  From that respect also, the appreciation of the value of the gift she gave him by presenting herself to him like this.

Some of the sense of forcing himself fades, the sense of just-acting, as he winds up another fingerful of armpit hair, tenderly, and then yanks it out hard.

And the desire to inflict pain?  He doesn't know, really, it doesn't make all that much sense.  Controlling her experiences?  Having her?  Someday knowing how to shape her, like this, through pain - feels like something she wants more than he does, right now, but maybe he'll get it later.

It is resisting analysis into internal parts and internal causes, for now, and that's okay, for now; inflicting pain and pleasure on Carissa Sevar is not-yet-reduced-ly* sexual.

(*)  Baseline does not have any simple word or phrase that means 'irreducible', just a phrase that means 'not reduced yet'.

(Stand down, part of his brain that's now obsessively worrying about whether Carissa was damaged at the Worldwound in some way that makes this the exact wrong thing to do to her, and she's not telling him about it because Permanent Cheerfulness.)

Keltham can tell that he's forcing himself to some degree, acting a role like in a LARP and not just acting on his own impulses.  On standard wisdom, he should not do too much of that, especially on his first time doing the thing; doing it without enjoying it will not train his brain well.

You can try a little to enjoy something, though, if you don't try too hard.  Why did he want to hurt Carissa, again?

His thoughts go back to when Carissa propositioned him at lunch today.  He wanted her then - because she was a pretty older woman, who seemed probably more experienced, throwing herself at him in a way that Keltham had never quite experienced before; she seemed like a challenge, and he wanted to rise to her.  From that comes sexual attraction in the way of a challenger, not just wanting to have sex with her, but to - win at sex against her.

And even before he'd quite understood her as somebody who'd spent six years on Worldwound emergency response, watching friends get their mortal bodies eaten by demons, and remaining amazingly sane-looking from outside, apparently because that's just the standard here - even before that, he'd noticed that she was successfully navigating the planet of Golarion where nothing made any sense.

From that, comes respect.  From that respect and sexual attraction, the desire to have her.  From that respect also, the appreciation of the value of the gift she gave him by presenting herself to him like this.

Some of the sense of forcing himself fades, the sense of just-acting, as he winds up another fingerful of armpit hair, tenderly, and then yanks it out hard.

And the desire to inflict pain?  He doesn't know, really, it doesn't make all that much sense.  Controlling her experiences?  Having her?  Someday knowing how to shape her, like this, through pain - feels like something she wants more than he does, right now, but maybe he'll get it later.

It is resisting analysis into internal parts and internal causes, for now, and that's okay, for now; inflicting pain and pleasure on Carissa Sevar is not-yet-reduced-ly* sexual.

(*)  Baseline does not have any simple word or phrase that means 'irreducible', just a phrase that means 'not reduced yet'.

(Stand down, part of his brain that's now obsessively worrying about whether Carissa was damaged at the Worldwound in some way that makes this the exact wrong thing to do to her, and she's not telling him about it because Permanent Cheerfulness.)

Keltham can tell that he's forcing himself to some degree, acting a role like in a LARP and not just acting on his own impulses.  On standard wisdom, he should not do too much of that, especially on his first time doing the thing; doing it without enjoying it will not train his brain well.

You can try a little to enjoy something, though, if you don't try too hard.  Why did he want to hurt Carissa, again?

His thoughts go back to when Carissa propositioned him at lunch today.  He wanted her then - because she was a pretty older woman, who seemed probably more experienced, throwing herself at him in a way that Keltham had never quite experienced before; she seemed like a challenge, and he wanted to rise to her.  From that comes sexual attraction in the way of a challenger, not just wanting to have sex with her, but to - win at sex against her.

And even before he'd quite understood her as somebody who'd spent six years on Worldwound emergency response, watching friends get their mortal bodies eaten by demons, and remaining amazingly sane-looking from outside, apparently because that's just the standard here - even before that, he'd noticed that she was successfully navigating the planet of Golarion where nothing made any sense.

From that, comes respect.  From that respect and sexual attraction, the desire to have her.  From that respect also, the appreciation of the value of the gift she gave him by presenting herself to him like this.

Some of the sense of forcing himself fades, the sense of just-acting, as he winds up another fingerful of armpit hair, tenderly, and then yanks it out hard.

And the desire to inflict pain?  He doesn't know, really, it doesn't make all that much sense.  Controlling her experiences?  Having her?  Someday knowing how to shape her, like this, through pain - feels like something she wants more than he does, right now, but maybe he'll get it later.

It is resisting analysis into internal parts and internal causes, for now, and that's okay, for now; inflicting pain and pleasure on Carissa Sevar is not-yet-reduced-ly* sexual.

(*)  Baseline does not have any simple phrase that means 'irreducible', just a word that means 'not reduced yet'.

(Stand down, part of his brain that's now obsessively worrying about whether Carissa was damaged at the Worldwound in some way that makes this the exact wrong thing to do to her, and she's not telling him about it because Permanent Cheerfulness.)

Keltham can tell that he's forcing himself to some degree, acting a role like in a LARP and not just acting on his own impulses.  On standard wisdom, he should not do too much of that, especially on his first time doing the thing; doing it without enjoying it will not train his brain well.

You can try a little to enjoy something, though, if you don't try too hard.  Why did he want to hurt Carissa, again?

His thoughts go back to when Carissa propositioned him at lunch today.  He wanted her then - because she was a pretty older woman, who seemed probably more experienced, throwing herself at him in a way that Keltham had never quite experienced before; she seemed like a challenge, and he wanted to rise to her.  From that comes sexual attraction in the way of a challenger, not just wanting to have sex with her, but to - win at sex against her.

And even before he'd quite understood her as somebody who'd spent six years on Worldwound emergency response, watching friends get their mortal bodies eaten by demons, and remaining amazingly sane-looking from outside, apparently because that's just the standard here - even before that, he'd noticed that she was successfully navigating the planet of Golarion where nothing made any sense.

From that, comes respect.  From that respect and sexual attraction, the desire to have her.  From that respect also, the appreciation of the value of the gift she gave him by presenting herself to him like this.

Some of the sense of forcing himself fades, the sense of just-acting, as he winds up another fingerful of armpit hair, tenderly, and then yanks it out hard.

And the desire to inflict pain?  He doesn't know, yet, it doesn't make that kind of sense.  Controlling her experiences?  Having her?  Someday knowing how to shape her, like this, through pain - feels like something she wants more than he does, right now, but maybe he'll get it later.

It is resisting analysis into internal parts and internal causes, for now, and that's okay, for now; inflicting pain and pleasure on Carissa Sevar is not-yet-reduced-ly* sexual.

(*)  Baseline does not have any simple phrase that means 'irreducible', just a word that means 'not reduced yet'.

(Stand down, part of his brain that's now obsessively worrying about whether Carissa was damaged at the Worldwound in some way that makes this the exact wrong thing to do to her, and she's not telling him about it because Permanent Cheerfulness.)

Keltham can tell that he's forcing himself to some degree, acting a role like in a LARP and not just acting on his own impulses.  On standard wisdom, he should not do too much of that, especially on his first time doing the thing; doing it without enjoying it will not train his brain well.

You can try a little to enjoy something, though, if you don't try too hard.  Why did he want to hurt Carissa, again?

His thoughts go back to when Carissa propositioned him at lunch today.  He wanted her then - because she was a pretty older woman, who seemed probably more experienced, throwing herself at him in a way that Keltham had never quite experienced before; she seemed like a challenge, and he wanted to rise to her.  From that comes sexual attraction in the way of a challenger, not just wanting to have sex with her, but to - win at sex against her.

And even before he'd quite understood her as somebody who'd spent six years on Worldwound emergency response, watching friends get their mortal bodies eaten by demons, and remaining amazingly sane-looking from outside, apparently because that's just the standard here - even before that, he'd noticed that she was successfully navigating the planet of Golarion where nothing made any sense.

From that, comes respect.  From that respect and sexual attraction, the desire to have her.  From that respect also, the appreciation of the value of the gift she gave him by presenting herself to him like this.

Some of the sense of forcing himself fades, the sense of just-acting, as he winds up another fingerful of armpit hair, tenderly, and then yanks it out hard.

And the desire to inflict pain?  He doesn't know, yet, it doesn't make that kind of sense.  Controlling her experiences?  Having her?  Someday knowing how to shape her, like this, through pain - feels like something she wants more than he does, right now, but maybe he'll get it later.

It is resisting analysis into internal parts and internal causes, for now, and that's okay, for now; inflicting pain and pleasure on Carissa Sevar is not-yet-reduced-ly* sexual.

(*)  Baseline does not have any simple phrase that means 'irreducible in the territory and not just a map', only a word that means 'not reduced-in-the-map yet'.

(Stand down, part of his brain that's now obsessively worrying about whether Carissa was damaged at the Worldwound in some way that makes this the exact wrong thing to do to her, and she's not telling him about it because Permanent Cheerfulness.)

Keltham can tell that he's forcing himself to some degree, acting a role like in a LARP and not just acting on his own impulses.  On standard wisdom, he should not do too much of that, especially on his first time doing the thing; doing it without enjoying it will not train his brain well.

You can try a little to enjoy something, though, if you don't try too hard.  Why did he want to hurt Carissa, again?

His thoughts go back to when Carissa propositioned him at lunch today.  He wanted her then - because she was a pretty older woman, who seemed probably more experienced, throwing herself at him in a way that Keltham had never quite experienced before; she seemed like a challenge, and he wanted to rise to her.  From that comes sexual attraction in the way of a challenger, not just wanting to have sex with her, but to - win at sex against her.

And even before he'd quite understood her as somebody who'd spent six years on Worldwound emergency response, watching friends get their mortal bodies eaten by demons, and remaining amazingly unhurt-looking from outside, apparently because that's just the standard here - even before that, he'd noticed that she was successfully navigating the planet of Golarion where nothing made any sense.

From that, comes respect.  From that respect and sexual attraction, the desire to have her.  From that respect also, the appreciation of the value of the gift she gave him by presenting herself to him like this.

Some of the sense of forcing himself fades, the sense of just-acting, as he winds up another fingerful of armpit hair, tenderly, and then yanks it out hard.

And the desire to inflict pain?  He doesn't know, yet, it doesn't make that kind of sense.  Controlling her experiences?  Having her?  Someday knowing how to shape her, like this, through pain - feels like something she wants more than he does, right now, but maybe he'll get it later.

It is resisting analysis into internal parts and internal causes, for now, and that's okay, for now; inflicting pain and pleasure on Carissa Sevar is not-yet-reduced-ly* sexual.

(*)  Baseline does not have any simple phrase that means 'irreducible in the territory and not just a map', only a word that means 'not reduced-in-the-map yet'.